screaming your name all over town.

2011-03-29T06:17:00.000-07:00

There was a homeless man in Central Park with stunning blue eyes. He was sitting up straight and staring off into the distance with so much determination... When my friends offered him money, he wouldn't take it.

They walked away and I looked at him for a bit, I don't know, he just looked so...put together? Strong? there was just something about him that made me want to look at him longer.

He looked at me, I smiled and waved. Then he waved back and I left.

2011-01-10T12:03:00.000-08:00

Shut up. It's a good movie.

...sigh, I need to go see it again -.-.

2010-12-18T07:28:00.000-08:00

Because I'm feeling down

I'm going to get out of these sweats, and put on something that will make me feel okay about myself - simple jeans, top, and a little something pretty maybe

I'm gona run down to the supermarket and buy food.

don't judge me.

So life decided to happen

2010-11-19T06:11:00.000-08:00

I'm interning at an Art Space.

Uni suddenly dropped a crap load ( I didn't want to say the s word...I don't know why, I never bothered with it before but..eh) of work on me.

Things I need to get done:

- Art History research essay.

- Mood board

- My art history notes + research sketches

- a few paintings.

I joined AIESEC. An organization YOU should join, too, if you're all "Oh yeah I want to travel and meet people maaan" but aren't doing anything about it. AIESEC will get you off your ass, and show you to the airport...literally.

( for those who are seriously interested, AIESEC is a very old (started right after WWII) student run organization that promotes cultural understanding between youth all over the world through international internships, exchange programs, and national, regional, and international conferences. )

So yeah, a few months ago I was all "Life? What life?" now I'm all "Life sucks, man."

No it doesn't I like life, it just needs to be less intense for a week, need to breath a little.

Sorry if the text is all dry, I have a really bad headache ( wow, shocker ) but yeah.

Check out AIESEC (pronounced i-sac btw) in your country and look for the nearest Local Commitee, then check out when their recruiting).

Gona go make me a tomato and cheese sandwich now.

mm cheese.

2010-10-16T01:04:00.001-07:00

You had all the answers but no human touch

-B-

2010-10-15T01:07:00.000-07:00

I'm tired. I really am.

I don't want to see you, I don't want to have to force myself to smile to you. I don't want to talk about anything or nothing.

I want to stay home and just be. Join me in silence if you will. But dear god, don't expect anything from me.

Peace of mind...

2010-10-11T08:09:00.000-07:00

I have moved to this home of Immortals.
Wild shrubs bloom everywhere.
In the front garden, trees
spread their branches for clothes racks.
I sit on a mat and float wine cups
in the cool spring.
Beyond the window railing
a hidden path leads away
into the dense bamboo grove.
In a gauze dress
I read among my disordered
piles of books.
I take a leisurely ride
in the painted boat,
and chant poems to the moon.
I drift at ease, for I know
the soft wind will blow me home.

— Living in the Summer Mountains by Yü Hsüan-chi

Hey, it's Sunday!

2010-09-26T10:32:00.000-07:00

II haaavvveee aaa heaaaaddddaaachhheeeee...

Okay things I did today:

- Awkwardly modeled during our studio figure drawing class.

- Bought lilies for my room

-went to my favourite place to eat with Zee!

Yeah. Not much to say... BUT THIS HEADACHE IS REALLY BAD AND I DONT KNOW WHAT DO

sigh

goodnight T_T

the act of getting off one's ass

2010-09-19T11:27:00.000-07:00

have to

complete pending books, you b*tch.
blog every Sunday. (hello)
Eat no Junk Food and not even smell any Fast Food.
Work out on Mondays and Wednesdays + an extra day of choice (fri or sat)
Sleep at 11 (2 minutes away D=) and have a full breakfast every morning. <>
Gather the things I need to post.
Work on my art challenge every weekend, no excuses.

So there you have it ladies and germs, I just checked myself into rehab for addiction to laziness, and this is what it looks like

peace out, yo.

raw raw raw

2010-09-04T13:24:00.000-07:00

"I know, that waiting is all you can do"

I'm a little tired, but I had a good day in total...with minor disturbances, but I'm kind of bursting with passion now.

Everything that's been happening in Bahrain lately, well not lately, it's been happening for a far longer time than just "lately" it's just accelerating now, it has my mom in a knot of nerves. She worries every time she hears my car keys clinging

every time I slip on my shoes

every time I yell out "bye!"

every time the gate closes behind me.

If she could have it her way I'd be sitting around the house, more specifically, sitting across the table from her all day reading a book instead of going beyond the house gate.

and I don't blame her.

The reason I'm saying this is I had a bit of a fight with her before I left home today, and when I came back, her face looked so relieved once she saw that I was back safely...and well, it sort of shocked me how intensely she's taking all of this.

so yeah, put up with your mom's shit, okay? She's put up with yours for almost 20 years now.

bye.

tissue balls

2010-08-18T05:12:00.000-07:00

Productive things I've done since ramadhan started:

- Made banana bread.

-got my withdrawal letters halfway sorted.

...

Pretty much it.

Other than that, I've been sleeping in until noon, been doing some pointless shopping, fighting with a friend, and forgetting birthdays... well one birthday -.-.

I am

2010-06-20T12:10:00.000-07:00

letting go...

Whatever God has planned for me will happen.

I have done everything in my power and if it does not work out it's not meant to be.

I have faith and I'll hold on to it.

Showers still help, though.

2010-06-10T11:26:00.000-07:00

It was then that she saw it

that hint of a spark in the distance

with newly flared up hope her mind whirled

could it be?

that light at the end of the tunnel crap?

does it truly happen?

outside of literature? the smell of old books, their brown pages and dried ink?

apart from the distinctive brushes of an artist? to exist outside of still colour, in a constantly blurred and undefined life?

She gets closer

No..it doesn't.

the colour red.

2010-05-07T15:26:00.000-07:00

I just backspaced some major whining.

I have a little heart sitting a little above my Esc key. It's made out of wax and it's covered in red poster paint. This was made when I was 17 years of age.

Just thought I'd let you know.

2010-05-07T10:36:00.000-07:00

positive energy positive energy positive energy positive ENERGY, damnit.

what are you trying to tell me?

i know, you can't really TELL me 'cause you're not exactly a solid material thing therefore you can't frikkin' speak, but what the hell?

stop...with the hints and signs, you and I, both, know every well i suck at those and they only end up confusing me,

can't you just like, HOLD UP a sign, that says, exactly what I'm supposed to do

exactly

and then I'll get it and we'll both move on

yeah?

Think you can do that for me?

sigh

didn't think so.

I'm sorry, no pressure.

Gerard Way's Hair

2010-04-30T01:55:00.000-07:00

I am not going to compare how my life is going with others. What I did, decided, didn't do, was all up to me and I am the reason I'm here, and I believe god planned that for a reason.

My life is not on pause, this is a period of time in which I have to prioritize and unprioritize (I know its not a word) things in my life.

when I came back, things weren't really going great at home, and even though i'm still not ready to talk about it , I believe, me, ending up staying for a while helped my family a lot, hell, it helped ME come to terms with things, realize things, and come to find out...it's not that bad. Leaving too soon would have resulted in my leaving before I got my head around everything that had went on and is still going on, and it would have made things worse for those around me.

I'm thankful I stayed.

It's a good thing I stayed....and I'm not trying to convince myself anymore,, I know.

Last night, I bought a book called Sketchbooks by Richard Brereton which features illustrators, designers and creatives from all over the world. Basically, each one would have his/her say of how they started keeping sketchbooks and why, then the following pages would be pages out of their personal sketchbooks, of work that's free of any doubt, critical thinking or planning.

I am inspired.

Ever since the age of....12? 13? I have kept sketchbooks instead of diaries, and I sincerely believe I was saner back then. I was...well, I can't say calmer, but I had a cleared idea of who I was than I do now, I had my thoughts clearer than I have them now. My sketchbook keeping lasted until just before my last year of high school.

I'm not quite sure why I stopped, I sort of blamed it on what was going on with me in the drama department, most of my free time was devoted to that and I sort of just slowly stopped. Whenever I tried to do it again after that, My thoughts were too fucked up. I was too busy pushing everything back and trying to move forward instead...then a while after that...I just stopped trying.

I'm starting again, and hopefully, it'll work.

As Nicola stated on the 16th of April, 2010:

YOU NEED A SUBTERFUGE!!!!

Goodnight, and Good luck (yes, I'm aware it's noon)..

Plan a trip to Japan alone.

2010-04-23T11:41:00.000-07:00

"Sheeny, you wouldn't notice flirting if it hit you in the head with a brick" - Fifi

"You care too much, it's pathetic" - Zee

Gee, thanks guys.

burn baby burn

2010-03-23T02:34:00.000-07:00

I feel like i put my life on pause.

'cause i'm just not going anywhere fast here.

I'm really hungry and Glee is pissing me off.

Think i'm going to delete this blog or something.

an attempt at self-fulfillment

2010-03-19T12:19:00.000-07:00

I have always said this to myself, but this time, I'm putting it in text.

I will start blogging consistently.

So consistently, that eventually most parts of my life will start being satisfyingly consistent as well.

I will blog about my days, however empty and soulless they seem to be to me.

I will not write half, stop, save, and forget.

I will publish a minimum of 3 posts a week.

I will attempt at turning this little cyber spot into outlet, 'cause god knows i need one.

I will evaluate, analyse, reflect, rant and damnit I will BLOG.

Right.

Let's start with today, shall we?

..no title seems to fit, not even the poem's

2010-01-06T16:38:00.000-08:00

Poetically put by that Frost person:

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

mhm

procrastination at it's best.

2009-11-03T02:35:00.000-08:00

....

I DONT WANT TO WORK ON THIS FUCKING ESSAY OMIGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWD

-rips heart out-

2009-10-31T19:55:00.000-07:00

Mood: Direction-less

Music: Misguided Ghosts - Paramore

So I'm fresh out of the shower, half naked and under the covers with my laptop on my stomach.

It's the 1st day of November.

1.57 pm.

Had a Drama meeting this morning, to which we were ALL late to

And in which we all realized that we are in deep and utter shit.

I'll stop worrying about it tho, and start again oat 11 am on Tuesday.

My media essay is due on the 6th and I haven't started typing it up yet. I'm supposed to in an hour, but i can't seem to be able to think of the perfect spot to do it at.

I can't do it here, my sister will be fussing around and cleaning all day.

I can't do it at Baillieu 'cause they close at 5 and it's the same with every other library in Melbourne on a Sunday.

I thought of going to Gloria Jean's, the one in Borders, but I don't think I'll be doing much work there.

We'll see what happens.

I'll just go and get dressed....right after this song.

Bye.

2009-10-22T05:04:00.000-07:00

I want to get on a plane,

fly home,

flag down a taxi,

get driven home,

get in,

punch in the alarm code,

walk quietly upstairs,

make my way to my room,

close the door behind me,

kick off my shoes,

crawl under the covers,

and forget everything.

Things I have to get the fuck done.

2009-10-17T23:32:00.000-07:00

- Media reading to work on essay (Go back to Bail. library and get the last book from the music section and remind N to get the OTHER book from RMIT)
-HOI reading on feminism.
-Psychology notes.
-revision: HOI + M&C + E&D
- RMIT FOLIO. (get folio cover!)

Countdown to flight back to home : 67 days.

-sighs-

some place to go

2009-10-17T04:36:00.000-07:00

When you're not settled in where you are, and everything that made home what it was is falling apart...Where do you go?

2009-10-15T04:35:00.000-07:00

Growing the fuck up.

2009-10-07T08:11:00.001-07:00

Girls,

If you're in a relationship that has to be kept a secret, maybe, JUST MAYBE,it really isn't meant to be?

If the guy you're with is a prick (extremist, racist, aggressive, anti-THE WORLD, controlling, and fghts with you a lot) and seems to be doing nothing but bring misery to your life, maybe, JUST MAYBE, he's not good for you?

When said guy, is close by, but tells you he never got the chance to swing by and say "hey", "yo", "Sup?" after not seeing you for AGES, maybe, JUST MAYBE, he doesn't care enough? if at all?

When you have continuous fights with your best friend, and your best friend repeatedly says that he degrades and insults her, then lies to you about it while he tells you excuses, maybe, JUST MAYBE, no wild thinking here, he really IS lying?

When you break up with someone, and he keeps taking all the chances your giving him, to make you go through some sick deep shit over and over and over again, maybe, JUST MAYBE, he need to fucking get out of his environment so he can stop bringing you the fuck down all the fucking time?

When things your friends tell you go from "It's gonna be okay", "have hope", "you'll make it through", "you deserve more", "Let me the fuck at him" and "Okay now you know, so learn from it", to "fucking STOP IT already", "why the fuck are you doing this to yourself", "I'd slap you if i could, I swear", "Suck IT UP", maybe, JUST MAYBE, it's been too long for you to keep going in circles and back from more?

You're fucking young and gorgeous. You're given opportunities that will not be coming back in 10 years time. You're so smart yet you bring yourselves over and over again to the same dead ends. Stop wishing for things out of reach. Geez, you can chase your fucking dreams but you have to work with what you fucking have first and make fucking USE of it instead of trying to jump straight into it, failing, then declaring your life over. Nothing is going to happen with the snap of a finger. He's not your knight in shining armor if he's a jackass with a psychological disorder, he wont make you feel good, he won't make you smile, he won't come and kidnap you from a life you don't want (yeah, it DOESN'T SUCK, you JUST DON'T WANT IT), and did you really think he would treat you like this if he really did love you?

Just because you fell, does not mean you can't get up again. It only means that when you DON'T want to get up again, when you don't love yourself and don't accept that you deserve better, that you need someone that will make you happy not give you words that strike your guts like pieces of broken glass. You would get that for a guy to love you is to be nervous when meeting your best friends 'cause he knows that if he can't get along with them, a longterm shot is out the window. You need to accept what is and live your life starting from scratches and building a GOOD life for you. He's NOT your salvation if he can't give a proper shit about you!

FUCK, what is WRONG with you? You're SAFE. You have SHELTER, you're not a victim of poverty or something. you haven't been raped, beaten or abused! you simply looked for salvation, when in fact you needed nothing of the sort, in a place where you knew had no hope, and are still clinging on to it because you "can't imagine a world without him".

You cry everyday, you snap at everyone, you skip uni, you skip work because you can't face the day after that dramatic break up....10 months ago.

STOP GOING BACK, then see how that turns out.

YOU CONVINCED yourself there's no WAY OUT.

Guess what? THERE IS NOT WAY OUT

UNLESS YOU FUCKING GROW THE FUCK UP.

We get shit, we fall, mourn about the tragedy, get up, suck it up, deal with it and get on with life.

Sorry if you got confused, I talked about two different people with two different cases up there.

Type-form rant, over.

this too.

2009-09-11T04:11:00.001-07:00

Utter garbage :

Utter garbage
Best color of sharpie?	dark blue!
When was the last time you saw the person you have feelings for?	define feelings.
If you do have a crush on someone ATM, how long have you liked them?	not crushing atm.
Read magazines? Which?	flip thru the occasional grazia that my sister buys to look at pretty things..used to read rocksound, its not sold here. Picking up Nylon?
Are tight pants on guys attractive? How about really baggy pants?	really baggy pants are hilarious but far from attractive. Skinnies are awesome combined with hoodies with leather jackets on top.
Best genre of music (specific)?	indie? rock? pop rock? folk? I DNT KNO. i like them all.
Would you ever get a job in fast food?	mhmm
What would be an ideal first job for you, (if you havent already had one)?	I waaaaass a teacher\'s assistant for a daycare class. It\'s far from being ideal.
You have the power to wipe ONE person off the face of the Earth. Who is it?	whoa..um...
Ever tried gellato ice cream?	oui
Watch reality TV, or hate it?	hate it.
Have you consumed alcohol in the last 24 hours?	i dnt drink
When was the last time you had the flu?	few weeks ago.
What do the plates in your kitchen look like?	all washed and set to dry, thanks to me and NOT my sister.
Do you share a bedroom? With who?	no, thank god.
Listening to music at the moment?	yes.
Still love blowing bubbles?? I do!	i dooo toooo i dooo toooo
Do you have driver's license? If no, how long until you do?	nyahah! yes i DO!
Name a country you'd love to travel to?	Holland
Don't you think its skanky when girls kiss girls just to give guys boners?	Why would u wanna give guys boners...when ur not gona do anythign about it?
How bad are the winters where you live?	they\'re ok..guess they can get worse,, they kind of get stubborn when it\'s time for spring tho.
What's your best friend doing at the moment?	in uni i guess
What's the best thing about being single? (Even if you're not single)	no commitment.
Take this survey or other Fun Surveys - Fun Myspace Surveys at Fun Surveys - Fun Myspace Surveys

Because this beats literature.

2009-09-11T03:37:00.000-07:00

Finish The Sentence
I love...	cupcakes
Right now I want...	to have literature type itself up
I feel like...	a sailor
I hate it when...	my sister SPEAKS
I fear...	spiders..gross.
I'm lonely without...	zee =[
I need...	a shower
Today I...	SKIPPED E&D. hah. how bad am I?huh?huh?
Tomorrow I'm...	...slaving away for trinity college.
I just...	had a cup of tea.
I want to meet...	Adam Lazzara...heh
I'm hungry for...	you
I love it when...	i wake up in panic only to find that i have 2 more hours left to sleep
I'm afraid of...	SPIDERS! Did you have to make me say it twice?
I'm listening to...	The boys of summer - Indiana
I'm wearing...	black jeans. pink socks. striped tshirt. thrice hoodie.
I wish I was in...	bahrain... sleeping.
I want to get...	an eyebrow piercing
I can't...	get an eyebrow piercing
I'm nervous to...	-thinks-
My Mom thinks I'm...	weak
My Dad thinks I'm...	a mental case waiting to burst
I'm happy when...	i am given chocolate
I'm sad when...	i have to work on literature
I'm disappointed that...	i have to work on literature
I wish I looked like...	ruby rose :/
Take this survey or other Fun Surveys - Fun Myspace Surveys at Fun Surveys - Fun Myspace Surveys

Will I see you waiting for me on the corner of the street?

2009-05-22T20:31:00.000-07:00

I’m not going to study today.
I won’t. I know I planned to but no.

I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my sad excuse of an island and I miss feeling comfortable with who I’m around.

I miss laying in bed early in the morning and listening to my mom fuss around in the mini kitchen next door.

I miss being scolded by zee for never being able to finish a meal.

I miss knowing it’s okay to be me.

I miss Fifi’s disgusted look.

I miss my blue room.

I miss Anfal’s random sleepovers.

I miss Zee’s room.

I miss not feeling guilty for taking a long shower.

I miss Fifi’s mom’s pizza.

I miss having to tell Yasmeen to turn it down.

I miss random visits to Farah’s house, after which I’d go home feeling sick from all the junk food I had consumed.

I miss Noor’s stupid painful laugh.

I miss dad’s surprising proud looks.

I miss controversial discussions in Nana’s house.

I miss walking to the barada holding Sara’s tiny hand.

I miss being cramped in a car with my 50 cousins.

I miss ice cream 8ur9an.

I miss driving around with Anfal with the windows rolled down.

I miss the sound Yasmeen makes when she drinks chay 7aleeb.

I miss karting with Najat and the stupid painful bruises that came along with the accidents.

I miss perverted discussions in Fa6oom’s car.

I miss eating na3na3 without tea.

I miss weddings of all things.

I miss baba ameen.

I miss making lame videos with Zee.

For heaven’s sake I miss Seef Mall.

-end.

tell the whole world to dance with me (8)

2009-05-14T17:52:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: This providence – My beautiful rescue

I did something bad.

“N, I need coins for laundry…” My voice trailed off as she jumped and quickly, too quickly, minimized a window she had open on her laptop.
“I don’t have change” She responded, trying to act cool.
“What did you just minimize?” I shot at her.
“Nothing.” She gave me a challenging look.
“Aha. Hey, what’s your blog address? You never gave it to me” I followed my hunch.
“I’m not going to give it to you”
“Why not?”
“Because.”
I glared at her.
She glared back.
“Fine.”

I stomped back to my room, forgetting about the piles of dirty clothes on the living room floor ( divided into whites and coloured =D), flipped open my laptop and began the mission of hunting down her blog.

That was what? Last week? I GAVE UP. How is it that I just randomly stumbled upon it today?
I am crippled with guilt. Once I read a little and connected the dots I knew it was her that typed up the posts and I couldn’t stop after that, I had to read every friggin word posted on that stupid webpage. I didn’t expect it to be this open, this…mushy. I just thought it would be a story, like all the other Bahraini bloggers these days, but it was more than that.

-guilt-
In other news:
I have mentally stack-piled the assignments I’m supposed to be working on this term at the back of my head and it seems like I’m going to leave them there for a while.

I have renewed my addiction to Coco Pops

I’m on the verge of being flat broke again.

…and I’m late for class…

BYE!